I’ve been doing a bad job updating. Thanks to everyone who has sent their entries. They have all been amazing. I promise to post them all up soon.
This is another entry from Scoby. I recently had a period like this and it sucks. I honestly think cutting is an addiction– you can rationalize it away all you want, you can resist doing it, but the desire is still there- the anxiety to doing is still there. There are periods in which that anxiety gets harder to control. I control it by trying to focus on other things, by avoiding music, by watching lots of silly movies, and, sometimes, just by crying. How about you? Are there periods in which you feel more need to self-injure? How do you control the urge?
Having one of those moments (more like weeks). My legs (and other places) are so hairy cause I don’t think I can trust myself with a razor, because I am so masochistic that I might just. I know I’ll always be a cutter, it doesn’t matter that I’ve gone six months without a hit, cause thats what it it, I’m a junkie, but what I am addicted to is not something a dealer can sell me. Calling me anything else would be wrong or invalid. Right now I have the shakes, I am sweating, and I am actually thinking about going to shave or cut a bagel – something that I can blame it on, cause I live on a floor with 25 other people and a roommate who would know something is up if I started wearing long sleeves shirts and pants to bed even though she’s never around.
That may be why I have it so bad. I don’t think I’ve had the shakes this bad since the time I decided to stop and had a fight with my best friend. Okay, honestly, I decided to stop the second time (see? relapse, total junkie). I am just so fucking lonely, new city, new people, new family at home that I want to see grow up, like I want to see the twins and Rylee and Nevah, and my baby boy grow up, and I am here getting shitty marks! I know I should be working right now, and I am not going to put this off until tomorrow. I am going to do this tonight, not going to finish but going to start, really start it tonight. I just need to vent. I really need to breath, it seems like breathing is the hardest thing for me to do without hurting, and I sorta just want the pain to stop, I want to stop missing everyone! I really didn’t think I would miss, my family so much! I really didn’t think that I would miss my best friend this much! I knew I would miss her, but its been 103 days with out her, 36 to go before she leave for 240 days. Like, I knew it would be totally hard and different being without her. We’ve been best friends for 9 and a 1/2 years, and it kinda hurts being away from her. Everyone says we aren’t friends, we are not anything but ourselves– we don’t exist without the other.
SI is sorta how I deal. I was sitting in class and I peeled off like 3 layers of clothing in about 2 minutes. I just am having a rough time, and I know if I can just make it another 48 hours I’ll be able to see my dad, and that will make everything better. I am almost sure it will. Just lonely…
Poem
I’m a junkie looking for a hit,
Just don’t know of what quite yet.
Just trying to hold on while I am drowning in air
Suffocating in plain old oxygen
Skin is just clawing,
trying to scratch whatever is there out
- Scoby
