I’d like to thank Jayne for being the first to send in a poem!
Nobody knows her
she’s a lurking, lingering
shadow
Countless times she’s been here
in the dark of her bedroom
hiding in the bathroom
the tears so thick
she would spit into the bowl
hair everywhere
Am I trying to be anorexic?
Am I trying to be bulimic?
Am I trying to be messed up?
Am I trying to kill myself?
Those questions went into her head
her heart breaking each time
eyes swollen until it wasn’t
pretty
nothing is pretty
She’d stick her finger down her throat
she’d try to force it out
push out all the insanity in her
be free from her disability
but no
Nothing came
she’d slump back against the wall
rubbing her sleeve across her nose
not caring as it got soiled
This is the girl nobody sees
this is the girl who screams
and nobody hears
this is the girl who hides
buried inside herself
The biggest secret of her life
nobody knows this girl
she’s a shadow remember
she’s missing
alone
She puts on a smile
and pretends everything’s fine
until something shatters
and her mask falls away
then
she runs.
Not until she’s hidden
does she let the tears flow
not until she’s gone
does she rain down all the insults
on herself
A failure born
misshapen and broken
she’s good for nothing
she has no talents
she can’t do anything right
not even say
not even ask
her mouth stays shut
Silent, quiet
she has no guts to tell anyone
she doesn’t want their pity
she doesn’t want their help
she can handle this
she always can
until now.
Tonight, tonight
her mother told her she’s a stranger
tonight, tonight
she realized she was living a lie
I don’t belong here
I don’t belong in this home
I don’t belong in this life
I don’t belong anywhere
She ran again.
She took the blade,
the one she hadn’t used since
she was twelve
the one which had never drawn
blood
and pressed it to her skin
harder, longer
so tonight
it cut for real
The drops of red
they gave her comfort
they stilled her crying
she couldn’t believe it
she had cut herself
and succeeded
She ran to get the keys
she ran to open the window
but the door wouldn’t budge
she pulled, she pulled
it wouldn’t move
The balcony outside was inviting
the balcony told her to come
she wanted to
she wanted to jump
so now she writes this poem
because she failed yet again.
- Jayne -
